Once upon a time I undertook what a lovingly called Slimfast for Sadists. I can tell you exactly the point that made me pay 60 quid a week to drink sand, and its variants. It was a friends birthday. I thought I looked pretty nifty, with my signature pencil skirt and wee white blouse. Yes, sounds all sorts of shit. Anyway, it was the morning after and as was the fashion at the time – lots of myspace style photos on nights out. You know the type, raise your arm as HIGH as possible, tuck in the bingo wings and pretend you don’t own 18 chins and a neck like a flump.
The photos were terrible. I looked like a fat girl, struggling to look good. Which was the truth, I guess – but I’d left the house feeling fabulous. Something had to be done.
Now obviously I didn’t lose the weight. I lasted 4 weeks. When my gran died, an event so monumental that still affects our family to this day, I found myself licking a piece of cheese. I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted the comfort. The jig was up for lighter life for this cat. I kept a dairy, I mean diary (freudian slip right there) online and it’s pretty funny. Not funny as in LOLCATZ funny but some of my ‘eureka’ moments are illuminating. I started off pretty angry at myself and ended up…I don’t know, I wouldn’t say positive but I had gained perspective. Here’s a few excerpts.
My rather vicious first post…
I think Ive heard all the meaningless platitudes.
You have a really pretty face.
But you are soo funny, and wow, that personality.
Look at you, you are never short of boyfriends!
Please feel free to add your own to the list of things that people say when their knives are just that little bit blunter.
What I hear is….you have a really pretty face – IF YOU WERE SKINNY you’d be stunning. Personality goes a long way….just look at Pulp Fiction, it stopped Jules eating a pig. It just means that when people like you, they really like you and not that oh so supposedly dreadful way that slim models are liked. And yes, you have loads of male attention. Just cause you know that fat girls try harder and lets face it, you are great company when you are in the house….can you spell FUCKBUDDY?
I think the breaking point is when you are looking at photos from the weekend and are finding it really difficult to find ones that you want to show the world on whatever stupid social networking you have to prove that your weekends and life in general is one big party. And you cant find any. Even that one picture that was taking from an enormously flattering angle (you know the one…ninety degrees above covering chins and also the top of the arms…) that you use for EVERYTHING, be it online dating, resumes and Facebook just doesnt seem to quite cut it.
That entry made me quite sad. But it also got me thinking. Why do we strive to lose weight?
You’ve heard the saying, usually by some wise lady who lost her half a stone that ‘YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF’. It has to come from within, it can’t be for anyone else…otherwise you’ll fail.
Now, that’s all very well – but can anyone actually show me the proof? Do people who do it purely for themselves fare better than those who just want to fit into an 8 cause they think it’ll get them a boyfriend/girlfriend? Now I know thats a sweeping generalisation but the gist is this – does your motivation affect your chances of success?
Man, I feel like a Carrie Bradshaw Question Posing Dick.
Which leads on to my motivation. This time. I’ll quite freely admit that I used to believe that if I was skinny I’d find the love of my life. It was the underlying thought everytime I drank a stinking shake that had wee grainy bits. Do this, and you’ll be attractive. To people you aren’t blood related to. I don’t mean in a weirdo deep south incest way, I mean the well meaning and deluded family members who think you are beeeeeeeyoooootiful regardless. What can I say? I got a lot of cuddles as a child.
A year after embarking on LighterLife, I posted this…
I never thought I’d say this, but I ain’t looking for the quick fix anymore. I’ve dropped down by rethinking my attitude. It’s only happened in the past 6 months and now I feel I’ve got enough of a handle to attack this head on. My eating habits, and indeed, tastes have changed dramatically. I’d even go as far to say that everything has changed. My style, my happiness, my outlook. My weight is a by-product of my lifestyle – it doesn’t determine anything else. If I feel shitty, unloved, ugly, stupid – well there HAS to be more to it than wearing a fat girl size, right?
And this is pretty much where I’m at just now.
I didn’t find love by being skinny, more by being drunken and persistent. But thats another story.
Maybe this time I can say, hand on heart, that I’m focusing on my size purely for me. Not for a boyfriend, not to be called attractive. I have a dude at home who tells me I’m lovely and gorgeous all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure he has a few BBW porno sites bookmarked but I shall blithely ignore that and assume it’s my devastating wit he’s in it for and not the XL pants. So maybe I’ll be successful this time.
Saying that, On Saturday I got ridiculously drunk and as an act of appeasement brought home 2 subways. He wasn’t best pleased that I woke him up at 4.30am…so in an act of drunken defiance, I ate both.
In the war against flab, I’m going to put that one down to friendly fire.