The 5 things They Don’t Tell You About Marriage
Nothing changes. The relationship is exactly as it was before you wore a dress and awkwardly danced to a song that your betrothed first fingered you to in a grotty nightclub. If you fought before, you’ll fight afterwards. If you worried about fidelity and trust, you’ll still worry about it afterwards. For those who believe it heralds the dawning of a glorious new age of contentment I need to ask; Why the fuck aren’t you getting that just now?
People will treat you differently. Yes. It’s true. I am treated with approximately 34% more respect in the workplace due to the fact I am with husband. People are dicks but it doesn’t change the fact that for some, a glittery ring signifies a level of stability, maturity and acceptance. Despite the fact that you decided to get married on a whim, you have a credit rating that even Iceland wouldn’t thank you for and you are barred from most taxi companies in the North. You just happened to meet someone who thought ‘I’m fed up of Match.com and you are good in bed’.
It becomes open season on the new brides womb. It is now perfectly acceptable for random aunties/colleagues/mother in laws to suggest that it is only a matter of time before the stork drops a wrinkly jelly baby. I suggest responding with ‘Lately, we’ve been doing a lot of anal so it might be a while’.
You do NOT make your money back on a wedding. And nor you should. It’s a party for the nearest and dearest to share the couples ascent into the dawning of a new age (Oh. Wait)…not a money making scheme. I was recently told of a bride to be who decided to take out a loan to fund her big day, nonchalantly saying, ‘Oh it’s fine, we’ll make a fortune anyway’. Shoot yourself, m’kay?
It might not last. Divorce rates in England and Wales currently sit at around 42%, with the highest number of people legally splitting after 5 to 9 years of marriage. It is also thought that recession has a direct (although delayed) impact on divorce statistics. It might be time to challenge Hallmark selling greeting cards with the message ‘Good luck on your new approximate 7 years together’. Added extra ‘My gift reflects the years you will last’.
But then I call my telephone banking, and they greet me as ‘Mrs’. I smile and remember the impromptu conga on our wedding day and my new husband crying as I walked down the aisle. Tears of joy, right?